Heartache

I finally made it out to Lauries today, holidays and really bad weather have kept me away.  How I've missed the lovely Arabians!  I had a little Christmas gift for Laurie so I came totting that and forgot carrots!  Eksodus and Pstar were in the first two stalls.  So I greeted them with a pat, Eksodus being his little saucy self!  Laurie came in and we hugged, catching up on our holidays.  Then she had a gift for me...a beautiful ornament her mother made and an awesome teeshirt with Gadiel pictures on the front and back!  I have a pony shirt to wear with my pony PJ bottoms!  I gave Laurie her gift, the size and shape of the horriblly wrapped present sort of gave it away, I'd gotten her a new riding whip/bat.  I'd been at Big R a couple weeks ago and saw it.  I thought it was perfect since she wanted one a little longer than the one she currently had.

After our gift exchange I got Divine from the arena and began getting her groomed.  She was so fuzzy she looked nearly pure white instead of the flea bitten grey/white color she is in the summer.  I rode on the lungeline today and Laurie had me working on my leg position.  It still comes forward a bit when I post so we worked on that with posting trot, sitting and two point.  Towards the end, I guess after I'd warmed up a bit my legs relaxed into the correct position.

Laurie and I talked a lot about horses, as usual.  I asked about Ekstasha and she said she wasn't sure if one of her younger students was interested in her.  Ekstasha is Eksodus's mom whom someone else owns but is giving up their horse because of a move...honestly that's the excuse, I think they just don't have the interest anymore.  Then Laurie mentioned that she had told the family that Pstar would be a nice match maybe for their daughter.  My heart fluttered a little.  I talked to her more about horses and buying a horse not under saddle, how to judge the fit of the horse. 

Apparently a statement I'd made on my blog about Pstar not being a good fit for an endurance or trail horse was a misunderstanding.  Laurie doesn't know how she'd be.  Pstar isn't herd bound as they say, she just likes to be around other horses but Laurie said that if she's alone with no other horses she may be the kind of horse, since she's so human oriented, that would be fine with her human as the boss mare.  I'm not saying this really eloquently.  It sounds like Pstar could get accustomed to be "alone" on a trail with just me and be perfectly fine.

After the lesson and I'd gotten Divine in the cross ties, untacked and partially groomed Laurie tested out some treat samples.  Divine ate them readily but did a funny smacking motion with her mouth, the treat pieces must have stuck to her roof and teeth in her mouth, it was so cute!  Pstar didn't seem to like them, I gave her one twice and each time she just turned it around in her mouth and then dropped it out.  Eksodus did the same.  Later while talking with Laurie I was petting and snugging with Pstar, her lips toyed with the zipper on my jacket.  Horse lips are so funny!  It was so nice with her in the stall, when she's in the run in shed it's harder to get to her, since because of the design of the door there is also a little electric fence strip.  She's gotten pretty fuzzy too and has that extra poofy hair under her jawline like Divine does.

After saying goodbye to Laurie and the horses I headed home.  My mind wandered to conversations we'd just had about horses and finding that connection with a horse.  Nearly home I started to tear up with the thought that Pstar could be purchased by someone else and I would never see her again.  When I walked into my house the tears started running.  Later when Steve came home I talked with him a seriously about Pstar and he seemed a little hesitant but said he wouldn't stand in my way.  I just don't have the money for her right now, I want to pay off some debt but I do have a small raise coming.  I pondered options that might sound reasonable to Laurie, part ownership or leasing etc.  Steve and I will go over the budget and figure out what we are willing to do.  My debt will still get paid off, just a little more slowly if I have a horse to pay for too.  I haven't felt a connection like this since BC, my favorite lesson horse when I was younger.  Of course I don't want to get ahead of myself, Laurie has said that I'd have to work with Pstar and see if she works well with me and I want to get some idea of how Pstar might act in a new situation or place so I can assess if she'd be a good trail horse.  I know training and positive reinforcement is good and then repetition as I grow in a relationship with her and bring her to new places she'll gain the confidence that it's okay. 

Am I being crazy?  I pay all my bills monthly and on time, I'm not hurting in that sense.  I just want the bills gone, so I wanted to increase the payments on them to get in a better place.  I just don't want to lose Pstar if she's the mare for me...I've felt something in my heart about her for a long time and the scare that someone could sweep in and take her away forever is just heartbreaking to me.  Lots to ponder, some soul searching to do and the practical financial plans to construct....